I had minor surgery this month. The surgery went fine, but I had to have a catheter for two days. It was a rude awakening. I recently felt pretty good about my pain tolerance. I can push myself physically for my age, and before the surgery, I was proud of myself. Now, I realize that I am a pain wimp. Having the catheter in for two days was a nightmare from hell. The pain randomly went from moderate to intense, and I dreaded the anticipation of the extreme pain as it approached. However, I know it must be me because people survive with a catheter for weeks, and it doesn’t seem to bother them that much.
There are several things I have learned from that short experience:
First, I can’t die slowly. I have to find a way to stay healthy as long as possible and die quickly. No nursing homes hooked up to IVs and machines that keep me alive but incoherent, staring into space as a TV drones on in the middle of the day.
Second, suffering has a clear benefit. You appreciate the good things in life much, much more. When I was a kid on 80th St in Brooklyn, I loved playing for hours in the snow and bitter cold, but what I remember most is the warmth of coming into the house at the end of the day. Several subtextual things were going on in those moments that I could not put into words at the time: the security of home and the love of family came with that blast of warmth that enveloped me. The pain of the bitter cold made me appreciate the love and warmth of that small apartment on 80th St.
Years later, when I graduated from Marine Corps boot camp, I walked into the base store, and the cashier said, “Can I help you?” It took me a minute to realize she was talking to me. For three months, I was called a “slimy maggot” and did not have a free moment to myself. I was shocked to have the simple freedom to go where I wanted. A freedom I took for granted before boot camp. And now this recent experience. The simple ability to not feel pain is something that you can appreciate so much more when you have had the pain, and it leaves you.
However, there is a point where suffering becomes too much. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but the suffering can and does kill many. It’s an odd balance. A life without conflict and suffering is boring, and extreme misery is no life at all. We need a balance of suffering, struggle, reward, and happiness. What a strange, and in many ways absurd, existence.